4/12/11
Last night, my pride got the better of me and I argued with my LDS husband. Since being saved only two weeks ago, I have gained such a strong testimony of Christ, our Savior. Well, of course, I now think I know it all, and was questioning him about some of the beliefs of his faith. It didn’t go well. I said some terrible things, and felt awful after the dust had settled. I had been so caught up in proving things to him that I didn’t stop to ponder why I insisted on pushing his buttons. I just wanted him to see the absolute peace and glory that is only achieved through Christ…but there was no peace at that moment, and I am certain Christ didn’t view any of it as glorious.
Well, this morning, my body ached from all the tension I had allowed in the night before. I was up very early (4:30am), and proceeded about my daily routine of coffee, prayer and scripture. In my prayer, I asked the Lord to bless me with the wisdom to understand the scripture He needed me to read and understand, and He did. I read mostly from Romans, and my soul had begun to feel calmer, but my mind was still sour from the night before. Why was my husband so stubborn? Why won’t he listen to anything I say? I said another small prayer asking that these troubled thoughts leave me, but they wouldn’t. Now, why wasn’t God listening to me? Anytime I had asked Him for help, I received it. What had changed so drastically in the past twelve hours?
I was just finishing up getting ready for work, and had to stop. I felt so sick in my gut. I sat down on the edge of the bathtub and prayed, yet again. I asked for the grace of God to help me overcome my bitterness toward that religion. I reverenced my mind and pondered the reasons why I was so frustrated…and it welled up inside of me so effortlessly.
I had begun to lose faith in Christ. I was so concerned with research and my own pride; I just wanted my husband to think just like me, and be just like me, RIGHT NOW! I wasn’t trusting Jesus to guide my husband to the truth in His time…I wanted it done in my time. And in doing my ‘research’, I had lost sight of what mattered most. Jesus Christ, my personal Savior. I had pushed Him to the back seat behind my own pride.
I was mortified! When I came to the realization that I had been searching for proof of falsehood in a book I already knew was false, I had cast doubt upon the Word of God. I didn’t believe what the Bible had already told me (my pride had wanted to PROVE it; not just believe it). Once I admitted this truth, the anxiety left me and once again, I was at peace.
In realizing this, I wondered why I had been so easily sidetracked from His Word. Then it hit me; I realized that I was being diverted by the additional doctrine which was currently accompanying my bible (it had belonged to my grandmother, and she was a devout Mormon, so needless to say, the set she used included all the ‘Standard Works’ of the LDS faith), and came to understand that I needed to purchase my own Bible, sans additional doctrine.
I had turned my heart away from that which was most important…Jesus Christ. I believe it was a test, of sorts, to trust my faith in Him. I am such an infant in the word of the Lord. At that moment, I promised to try to hold my tongue and keep my pride in check until I have learned MUCH more and He has added to my testimony of Him.
Matthew 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.
In other words, Linda, sit down, shut your mouth, and open your soul to the Lord already! You have so much more to learn!
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